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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Blessings Through Adversity

Ugh, how do I even get these thoughts and words down?! The emotional and physical toll of this week are incredibly draining and it doesn't help that I'm now awake in the middle of the night due to abdominal pain. 

Monday. It all started Monday. 

Around 1:00am or 2:00am on Monday morning I woke up with slight discomfort, meunstral-cramp like pain. But really, no big deal--I should mention at this point that I was 12 weeks 2 days pregnant and oh so excited about this little bun in the oven--I googled and everything I read said that it was perfectly normal as long as there wasn't any blood. 

Monday we were all sick, so we went to the Doctor and come to find out Ryan and I both had sinus infections (darn pregnancy, I've only ever had two--one with Adi and one now). I mentioned the cramps and the doctor asked if I had had any bleeding. No? No big deal. 

I did have a moment when I offered a prayer to Heavenly Father asking that the pregnancy go full term, but that if it didn't that I might have the courage to understand His will. 

I went back to sleep and the day went on... We spent most of the day at my parents' and I was so thrilled when three friends texted to wish us congratulations! (We had waited to tell our family until Cheistmas and then went out our card that said "Ryan, McKenzie, Adrielle & Baby".) it was fun to chat with them a little about how excited we were. The day was pretty relaxed and then I needed to take Adi to gymnastics so we ran quickly, watched Adi, returned some books to the library, and headed back to my parents'. 

I was watching Downton Abbey online when Adi called from the bathroom that she needed help. I jumped up, went to help and when I stood back up in the bathroom, GUSH! 

For a fraction of a second I thought I'd peed my pants, but there was so much liquid that I realized almost instantly that my water had broken. 

I frantically yelled for Ryan and tried to usher Adi out of the bathroom, at this point in a little shock. 

The shock continued when I realized that not only had my water broken, but that I had actually miscarried the baby.

Oh my goodness, what?!

That's when the heavy, heavy bleeding started. I shed a few quick tears of panic, shock, and sadness, but there wasn't really time to cry and I honestly didn't want or need to.

My sweet husband and mom helped me get situated to head home and my mom suggested a blessing--what a neat, neat experience to have Ryan, my dad, and my little brother, Austin, there to give me a blessing of comfort.

My rational brain had been pulling it's fair share, but at the onset of the blessing, it went into high gear. 

We made it home after a quick stop at Wal-Mart and after taking care of a few things went home. 

I shed a few more tears, but I was so emotionally overloaded that the roller coaster never really settled on "sadness". 

I called a few close friends and my sister-in-law to share the news--really doing well and very much at peace with it. I was grateful I had had a few precursory thoughts in the middle of the night and that fervent prayer that I offered in the forefront of my mind. 

It wasn't until we were getting ready to go to sleep that Ryan mentioned how sad he was. 

How could I have been so selfish?! It wasn't just my loss, it was our loss. We talked a little about the sadness, but my left brain was still in full command. 

It wasn't until I woke up in the middle of the night when the loss hit me again when I woke up that I realized the true sadness, but even then remembering the loss was the sad part and my left brain did its thing. 

Tuesday we woke up bright and early and drive to Centerville so Erin could do my hair. Family pictures were at 12:00, so there wasn't a lot of time. Ryan went out in search of black pants for Adi while Adi played with her cousins. 

After all was said and done, I looked pretty awesome for pictures only hours after having lost the baby and was doing well. It was easy to smile for pictures because I was there with Ryan and Adi--they are my everything. 

After pictures things started going downhill. Lunch was fine, but I wanted to be alone and planning for the cabin the next day was kind of challenging. People kept prodding me to go to the doctor--and mind you it was a holiday. Finally I agreed to go to an InstaCare  only to be referred to the ER because they didn't have the necessary resources.

So there we found ourselves... In the ER on New Year's Eve. Could I say "Good Riddance" to 2013 any. more. gracefully. 

The ER sucked, yet as much as I didn't like it, I felt safe. Some people don't like hospitals and I am exactly the opposite. 

If I weren't so afraid of failing (chemistry and such) I might go into healthcare.

After a few hours and being triaged last (three ambulances had come in right after I met with the doctor) we met with the financial consultant. Even with insurance, I maxed out my credit card on the coinsurance, but got a 20% discount for paying upfront. Joy. 

After a quick trip to Grandpa's house, we headed back to Provo so we could sleep and pack for the cabin. Unfortunately that was futile as the car died mid-drive on I15 at 1300 south. Died. Battery. No lights. Luckily the breaks worked and we frantically called Ryan's dad to see if they could come get us. But seriously though?!

A passerby helped us jump the car and we were able to get it back to grandpa's. Ryan, his uncle, and brother messed around with the car and were able to give it a little more life--let's hope it's still actually worth something when all is said and done. 

While Ryan worked on the car, I stayed inside with Grandpa and the New Year's crowd, and naturally my luck didn't improve as my sweet, sick niece threw up all over me. 

Let's just say between my sister-in-law, father-in-law, and me, we decided NOT to go to the cabin. 

Instead, we stayed in Farmington, although truthfully I didn't have much of a choice. I felt trapped without my own space, and to top it off, I left my phone at Grandpa's which meant that I didn't have access to the support I really wanted

Happy New Year. 

Throughout it all, I could see the positives--everything could be much worse. At this point I was exhausted and considering I had watched New Year's roll around hour after hour on CNN in the ER, I figured staying up to 12 was pointless. 

Bring on 2014.


Ashley said...

Hey Kenz,

I haven't been good about checking on blogs this last year. I just read this post today and wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Hope you guys are doing ok. So excited for your adventure in Grenada!


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