Sadness, Coupled with True Joy

Yesterday was subdued. As I watched the rain pound the ground from my seat inside the car, I had a hard time internalizing where I was. I relived the past 24 hours again as my eyes caught a glimpse of the mountains. My heart sank. Again.

How could this be? How could I be sitting in the parking lot of a florist shop in Bountiful Utah? Less than 48 hours before, Ryan and I had put Adi to bed and were chatting about the events of the coming week... really?

You never want to experience the middle-of-the-night, mind-racing, too-tired to think phone call. We did. Sunday night, after Ryan and I had gone to bed, Ryan's phone woke us. It was my mother-in-law, Jennifer. I stared into the blackness, waiting to hear why were were jolted awake--too tired to remember the panic that should accompany the middle-of-the-night phone calls. My heart sank as Ryan hung up the phone and said, "That was my mom. Grandpa is dying."

I sat straight up and shouted, "What!?!" My heart was heavy--had his hospitalization been that serious? What did 'dying' mean? When? Wait, what? How could this be? My first thought came out verbally--"Ryan, let's say a prayer for grandpa." Ryan's response was heavy, "No Kenz, Grandpa is dying, they are waiting for the family to gather."

A sharp pang of guilt and sadness swept over me. We weren't there--we weren't there to gather and say goodbye. More importantly, my sweetheart, Ryan, wasn't there. And, he wasn't there to comfort his wonderful, stoic mother.

The first thought that came to my mind after Ryan said that, was one of Grandpa Clark holding Adrielle, bouncing her while singing "Blue Skies". Boy did he have a way with her, and such an incredible singing voice.

About an hour later, we received surprising and promising news! He had regained consciousness and was talking. A wave of relief came over us, but I didn't know what to think. Ryan's face--which more often than not veils his thoughts--was a combination of relief and pure joy. A small miracle. I sat on the couch not knowing what to do, while Ryan punched away at his computer.

But, our joy was short-lived. Jennifer called less than a half-an-hour later to tell us that Grandpa Clark had passed away. He was gone. I will always remember that 2am hug. The tears, the closeness I felt with Ryan, the desire to take away his pain. Then the panic set in as I raced to find affordable tickets back to Utah.

The next 24 hours solidified a few things: 1) I love my job and the people with whom I work (they took me under their wing, offered me the leave time I needed, and helped me get some important housekeeping things done, 2) I love my family and the support that they give one another, and 3) I know that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world and that through Him and His Gospel, we can be forever families in the life to come.

My boss encouraged me to leave work early Monday afternoon, so I went home to spend time with Ryan. It was a hard afternoon, and we decided to go get dinner. We ended up eating at Panera after driving around, then drove around more until we ended up meandering around Target--distractions.

We packed our luggage and managed to keep it to two carry-ons (even with a baby), and went to sleep early, knowing Tuesday would be long and rough. 5am rolled around awfully early, and Ryan and I made the cross-country trek to be with his family.

The afternoon was cold and overcast. I felt how it looked: somber. The rain echoed the mood as we selected various sprays of flowers; I found it difficult to come to terms with why we were there. Was Grandpa really gone? Could it be?

He was. But as I sat and watched, and looked at my little girl, I realized, he was not. While our bodies are frail and mortal, our spirits are eternal. It was a special moment as the true joy that comes from the Plan of Salvation was realized and reinforced in my mind. How eternally grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that I can live with my family for Eternity.

We will miss Grandpa Clark. He was an incredible man; an amazing husband, father, and grandfather. The funeral will be held on Friday, and we are fortunate that we are able to be here to attend and support our family.

We love you Grandpa Clark.