Attitude

After Ellis took a bottle at Erin's house, I made the mistake of feeding him for thirty seconds on each side while we heated up a bottle that night. 

He wasn't happy about the bottle. 

Square one. 

Dr. Tittensor had told me to be finished by Tuesday, but along the way I had learned that my Saturday 8am MRI would prevent me from nursing because of the radioactive dye. 

So, despite the deep sadness that it evoked, I decided that I would quit cold turkey just before the MRI. 

I nursed Ellis through the night from Friday to Saturday--it made it less sad if it wasn't a big "oh this is the last time"--and left at 7:30am before he woke up for the day. 

I headed to the hospital for the MRI and arrived before the receptionist. 

I sat around for a while before I realized hmmmmm... maybe no one is around. 

I knocked on a door that had some light shining underneath it and a tech came out and directed me to the before-8am receptionist. 

When I got to the desk the absolute first thing I saw was this gem! 

Last summer, between years in Grenada, I worked as the iCentra intern for Corporate Communications at Intermountain Healthcare and this was one of the ideas our team came up with to help with translation to the new system. 

It was so cool to see it and it set my mentality differently that morning. 

I got checked in for the appointment and Paula, the MRI tech helped explain everything to me. 

I changed into XXL scrubs and gowns and sat down in the seating area to wait my turn. 

One unique thing about me is that I go into shock easily and it presents in my teeth chattering and my body shaking uncontrollably. 

It had started to happen when they placed the clip, but I breathed deeply and the procedure was over before my body went to far. 

The morning of the MRI however I started chattering like crazy, but sweet, sweet Paula asked if I wanted a warm blanket and brought me a couple (that an warm saline are really the only two ways that it can be helped.) 

When they were ready for me, Paula walked me into the room with the MRI. 

It. 

Was. 

Huge.

She explained and reexplained the procedure. 

"Squeeze this if you need something. Do NOT squeeze it after we've released the contrast unless you are dying."

Right. 

We got all situated chest-down on the table with my breasts in individual compartments. We also put in a set of earplugs and another set of ear protection over my ears because I have tiny ear canals. 

Paula gave me the squeeze ball and told again me again squeeze the ball at any time except after releasing the contrast dye. Only squeeze it then unduly are having trouble breathing... 

In other words: going to die. 

Okay. Do. Not. Squeeze. Ball.  

The MRI started and it was sooooooo loud. Like I'm pretty sure that one set of ear plugs didn't do anything, so I was grateful for the extra protection. 

The machine made these loud beeping noises and whirred a lot... It's kind of hard to explain, but before I knew it Paula told me that she was going to release the contrast, to hold very still, and to not squeeze the ball unless it was an emergency. 

Okay, here goes nothing! 

She released the dye, ran more scans and before I knew it the scans were done and I could get dressed again. 

Before leaving I asked if I could see the scans and sure enough there was the rumor swirling around in the dye. It was like a quarter on the screen which seemed big and Paula said yep, it's big in comparison to a pencil eraser, but she reassured me again that Jennifer Tittensor was the best and that I was in excellent hands. 

Then it was time to go home and confront the weaning head on… 

Ellis seemed to be doing better and had taken another bottle which was a miracle--thank you, thank you, thank you to all those who were praying on his behalf. 

Like always, Ryan had studying to do, so we drove to Jimmy Johns to grab some food before really buckling down for the day. 

When we got to the window, the teenage guy there said, “So do you guys have awesome stuff going on today?” And after a momentary hesitation I said dryly, “Yep, breast cancer.”. 

Needless to say he was a little stunned but remained upbeat nonetheless.

As we drove away I broke down into a ridiculous giddy laugher and Ryan laughed too but while simultaneously saying, “That was so mean! That poor kid!” To which I responded, “oh no! Was the mean?! Really!? How sad! We have to go back!” 

I drove right around in a circle and went through the drive thru again and apologized, but the kid said, “you just gotta keep a positive attitude.” 

I wanted to cry because he was right. 

Attitude is everything.