I usually board the train headed straight to the University of Utah, but today I took the train headed into Salt Lake and transferred at Gallivan Plaza. This is nothing out of the ordinary because it’s not a big deal to transfer, nor does it consume much more time. The Gallivan Plaza stop in SLC usually presents a raucous crowd gathered outside of a convenience shop and Hookah Lounge.
The usual gang.
Thursday mornings for some reason, are less busy than other mornings. It could be the time I’m commuting in, which isn’t much different from other days so I don’t know. Well, the usual crowd was subdued and most members were absent, leaving commuters to quietly take in the sounds and smells of the city. Perhaps it was due to this subdued silence that I heard the cry of an infant. Looking to the sound I found a mother rinsing out a bottle with water from a drinking fountain across the way. The baby was small, sat in an umbrella stroller, and was dressed in footed pajamas with what looked like a bomber jacket (brown, leather-like). Despite the cool morning temperatures, the infant was without a hat to cover his hairless head. This child could not have been over 2 months old.
After filling the bottle with water from the water fountain, the young mother kneeled down, opened her backpack and produced a small plastic container of formula. She then made a bottle with what was left of the formula, picked up the baby and sat down on one of the large block planters to feed him. Perhaps I should have taken a picture to capture what I will try to describe. But, maybe a picture would not adequately portray what I saw in the situation, and it is what I saw in the situation that impacted me so much.
There she sat on a chilly morning, infant in arms drinking from a bottle made from cool water and without a hat; backpack and stroller set aside, and a look of abject exhaustion – hopelessness and preoccupation. Then the train pulled up, blocking my view and pulling me back into the commute.
I know nothing about this woman and her child, other than what I observed, or thought to have observed. But sometimes you just know about a situation by the way it compels you to action. For a moment when I thought she was going to only give her baby water from the water fountain, I almost ran across the street to the convenience store to buy formula. I felt hopelessness and worry, with some embarrassment and lack of direction.
What type of situation drives a young mother out at 8:00 am with her infant on a chilly morning; feeding him with a bottle made with water from a water fountain? Does it matter? Perhaps the reason she was out does is not as pertinent as the stirrings to act that it produced. And though I felt helpless as what to do - perhaps not as helpless as she did – I caught a glimpse of the potential of my future education.
To tell the truth, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy in my classes. It seems most other students already have so much more experience and knowledge, which I feel I lack. I have wondered why I would have been led to pursue this field again when I have felt dejected by required course material in the past.
Once again, I have had to come to terms with what area of medicine interests me, and where I “fit in”: general practice, pediatrics, or (gulp) geriatrics? I have had to confront test anxiety (which nearly resulted in disaster during my Human Genetics exam this morning), and mental blocks that have added stress and difficulty to my learning material. All of this after only a little over a month of classes? Ridiculous, I know.
To say the least, it has been difficult to trust in what I have been clearly prompted to do multiple times. Truthfully, only that fact alone that has kept me motivated. Don’t get me wrong, it is not the end result that I fear, it is the anticipated process. But I realize it is just that: my presumed anticipation of what I will encounter in my future education.
So, how does the hopeless image of a mother and child fit into the discussion? It gave me renewed purpose to do good. Not that one has to practice medicine to do good, but I felt inspired to reach out to those in need; to help the helpless, to care for sick children or to help educate parents. Education is empowering.
Do I have a clear idea of what exactly I will be doing in medicine? Not quite, but the picture is becoming clearer.
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