Blessings Through Adversity

Ugh, how do I even get these thoughts and words down?! The emotional and physical toll of this week are incredibly draining and it doesn't help that I'm now awake in the middle of the night due to abdominal pain. 

Monday. It all started Monday. 

Around 1:00am or 2:00am on Monday morning I woke up with slight discomfort, meunstral-cramp like pain. But really, no big deal--I should mention at this point that I was 12 weeks 2 days pregnant and oh so excited about this little bun in the oven--I googled and everything I read said that it was perfectly normal as long as there wasn't any blood. 

Monday we were all sick, so we went to the Doctor and come to find out Ryan and I both had sinus infections (darn pregnancy, I've only ever had two--one with Adi and one now). I mentioned the cramps and the doctor asked if I had had any bleeding. No? No big deal. 

I did have a moment when I offered a prayer to Heavenly Father asking that the pregnancy go full term, but that if it didn't that I might have the courage to understand His will. 

I went back to sleep and the day went on... We spent most of the day at my parents' and I was so thrilled when three friends texted to wish us congratulations! (We had waited to tell our family until Cheistmas and then went out our card that said "Ryan, McKenzie, Adrielle & Baby".) it was fun to chat with them a little about how excited we were. The day was pretty relaxed and then I needed to take Adi to gymnastics so we ran quickly, watched Adi, returned some books to the library, and headed back to my parents'. 

I was watching Downton Abbey online when Adi called from the bathroom that she needed help. I jumped up, went to help and when I stood back up in the bathroom, GUSH! 

For a fraction of a second I thought I'd peed my pants, but there was so much liquid that I realized almost instantly that my water had broken. 

I frantically yelled for Ryan and tried to usher Adi out of the bathroom, at this point in a little shock. 

The shock continued when I realized that not only had my water broken, but that I had actually miscarried the baby.

Oh my goodness, what?!

That's when the heavy, heavy bleeding started. I shed a few quick tears of panic, shock, and sadness, but there wasn't really time to cry and I honestly didn't want or need to.

My sweet husband and mom helped me get situated to head home and my mom suggested a blessing--what a neat, neat experience to have Ryan, my dad, and my little brother, Austin, there to give me a blessing of comfort.

My rational brain had been pulling it's fair share, but at the onset of the blessing, it went into high gear. 

We made it home after a quick stop at Wal-Mart and after taking care of a few things went home. 

I shed a few more tears, but I was so emotionally overloaded that the roller coaster never really settled on "sadness". 

I called a few close friends and my sister-in-law to share the news--really doing well and very much at peace with it. I was grateful I had had a few precursory thoughts in the middle of the night and that fervent prayer that I offered in the forefront of my mind. 

It wasn't until we were getting ready to go to sleep that Ryan mentioned how sad he was. 

How could I have been so selfish?! It wasn't just my loss, it was our loss. We talked a little about the sadness, but my left brain was still in full command. 

It wasn't until I woke up in the middle of the night when the loss hit me again when I woke up that I realized the true sadness, but even then remembering the loss was the sad part and my left brain did its thing. 

Tuesday we woke up bright and early and drive to Centerville so Erin could do my hair. Family pictures were at 12:00, so there wasn't a lot of time. Ryan went out in search of black pants for Adi while Adi played with her cousins. 

After all was said and done, I looked pretty awesome for pictures only hours after having lost the baby and was doing well. It was easy to smile for pictures because I was there with Ryan and Adi--they are my everything. 

After pictures things started going downhill. Lunch was fine, but I wanted to be alone and planning for the cabin the next day was kind of challenging. People kept prodding me to go to the doctor--and mind you it was a holiday. Finally I agreed to go to an InstaCare  only to be referred to the ER because they didn't have the necessary resources.

So there we found ourselves... In the ER on New Year's Eve. Could I say "Good Riddance" to 2013 any. more. gracefully. 

The ER sucked, yet as much as I didn't like it, I felt safe. Some people don't like hospitals and I am exactly the opposite. 

If I weren't so afraid of failing (chemistry and such) I might go into healthcare.

After a few hours and being triaged last (three ambulances had come in right after I met with the doctor) we met with the financial consultant. Even with insurance, I maxed out my credit card on the coinsurance, but got a 20% discount for paying upfront. Joy. 

After a quick trip to Grandpa's house, we headed back to Provo so we could sleep and pack for the cabin. Unfortunately that was futile as the car died mid-drive on I15 at 1300 south. Died. Battery. No lights. Luckily the breaks worked and we frantically called Ryan's dad to see if they could come get us. But seriously though?!

A passerby helped us jump the car and we were able to get it back to grandpa's. Ryan, his uncle, and brother messed around with the car and were able to give it a little more life--let's hope it's still actually worth something when all is said and done. 

While Ryan worked on the car, I stayed inside with Grandpa and the New Year's crowd, and naturally my luck didn't improve as my sweet, sick niece threw up all over me. 

Let's just say between my sister-in-law, father-in-law, and me, we decided NOT to go to the cabin. 

Instead, we stayed in Farmington, although truthfully I didn't have much of a choice. I felt trapped without my own space, and to top it off, I left my phone at Grandpa's which meant that I didn't have access to the support I really wanted

Happy New Year. 

Throughout it all, I could see the positives--everything could be much worse. At this point I was exhausted and considering I had watched New Year's roll around hour after hour on CNN in the ER, I figured staying up to 12 was pointless. 

Bring on 2014.

Baby Namin' Skills

I know it's insanely premature to be thinking about baby names, but we are. And we have been for the past three days.

And guess what!? We're so good, we've narrowed it down to four boy names and one girl name. (Truth be told, we both think it's a boy, and have thought we'd have a boy next for a while. And full disclosure, all of these were already thought of and on our 'list'.)

Want to hear the names? Wanna? Wanna? Wanna? 

Maxwell, Bennett, Pierce, and Anderson. 

And Penelope. 

I'm writing this months before we tell people, so we will have decided before this is posted, so I don't have to worry about the infamous criticism about names, but we have thought about each one and the nicknames and middle names that go along with each one.

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In other news, I told another friend, Adrianne, yesterday. She's a colleague from the Counseling Center and has triplets (via Invitro) that just turned two and a three-month old (natural). We've talked a lot about pregnancy, babies, and the process--truly it's amazing that the human race has survived to date.

It's nice to have a couple girl friends to confide in and send funny texts about nausea and the like… 

The Nose.

My sleep schedule has totally been thrown off of late and I'm now waking at 5am. Bad. Bad. Bad. 

Not to mention that I have to go to the bathroom every. five. minutes. 

I don't know if I suddenly started actually having symptoms or if I just started seeming them, but they're there.

And as an extrovert, it might be hard to hide "our little secret" as we've coded it considering that as I observe the world around me, I usually verbalized those observations to others. 

For example… yesterday I walked past a colleague's office and smelled anise/fennel and commented on it (she uses a doTerra oil that helps with milk production--she's nursing). Later when we were chatting, she said she hadn't brought it to work, that she's used it at home and was self-conscience about it. She had asked others if they could smell it and guess what... I'm the only one who said I could. Ding, ding, ding. 

In other news, I went to the gym a couple of hours after having eaten a meatballs for dinner. I knew I would regret it, but yikes. I was way, way off and I don't know how much was pregnancy (I mean I just found out and I'm only like a week pregnant--come on now, does that even count) and how much was exercising at night/lack of sleep/etc.

247 days to go...

Keepin' it Klassy at Kmart.

In October 2012, Ryan and I were walking around Kmart holding hands while we waited for my birth control prescription to be filled. Another nine months of it to be exact. 

Almost at the same time we said the same idea: I don't think we should get the prescription. 

I felt a little sheepish going to tell the pharmacist, but ironically (or perhaps not), they didn't even have any of that medication in stock. 

That was over a year ago.   

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Yesterday morning, a day after Daylight Savings Time ended, I woke up at 5:30am a little frustrated. For one, I was awake and couldn't get back to sleep, but the true frustration stemmed from the negative sign on the pregnancy test less than 48 hours previously. I debated for a little while--I mean I didn't want to waste another test, and wanted to be patient. I didn't even have any symptoms. And it was kind of premature anyway! But finally, based on frustration and the (perceived) fact that my pelvic kidney felt a little different, I decided to test again. It was around 6am.

When again I saw the negative sign, I was exasperated--what in the world is going on?! Then, after about ten seconds, a faint intersecting line appeared. 

Positive! It was positive! 

I threw open the bathroom door and said excitedly and triumphantly to Ryan (who was still sleeping), "I knew it!"

We are both excited (!) and grateful. It took an entire year. Looking back at the past year and where the next nine months will take us, I testify God is all knowing and merciful. He expects us to listen to His counsel and plan, but He leads those plans in His own mysterious ways and directions.  

I immediately asked Ryan if I could text one of my besties, Laura-Laura girl. 

Picture

We had talked over the past year or so about babies and she was always so supportive. I'm not one who gets baby hungry--let's be honest people, infants are not fun (if you say otherwise you're lying through your teeth)--but Laura always asked how I was doing and we confided in each other despite the fact that we live 3,000 miles apart. 

It's really, really early: 4 Weeks 4 days. Only 248 days to go and so much is going to happen during that time! I know Heavenly Father has so much in store for our little family!

Oh my goodness! We're having another baby! 

(Is it bad that I'm most excited about picking a name?! For a while Ryan and I have though that our next will be a boy, so I have some great boy names, but either way it will be fun!)

We haven't decided when to tell another else--I have a couple more people I will confide in over the next few weeks, but the big announcement will probably come around Christmas. (Here's to hoping I'm not too sick these next eight weeks and here's to hoping I don't show for a long time--a girl can wish right?)

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Finally, I want to document this pregnancy better than I did with Adi, especially anything funny.

As of yesterday morning, I hadn't experienced any symptoms. Or so I thought... When we went to pick up Adi from my parents' after work, Ryan picked up a jar of roasted pumpkin seeds (which I don't really like) and walked past me. I commented on their strong pumpkin-y and roasted smell, I really didn't like it. I didn't think anything of it until Ryan opened a bottle of soy sauce as he was making dinner and I could smell that too. I asked if it was strong and he said no. Ohhhhhh... Then he told me the pumpkin seeds didn't smell very strong either. 

The funniest part though is that Ryan was suspicious as early as Saturday and hadn't said anything. With Adi my gag reflex to was really, really heightened. We had watched Baby Mama and there is this yeast bread thing... I gaged and gaged and gaged. 

Saturday we saw Ender's Game (sooo good by the way) and there is a part where one of kids throws up into a bag and I gaged and gaged and gaged.

Ryan made the correlation, I didn't. I thought that might just be my weak stomach reaction and he said it reminded him of when I was pregnant with Adi. 

Weird. I'm pregnant. 

I'm pregnant? 

I'm pregnant!